How God Delivered Me From an Identity Crisis

You’re not who you think you are. 

You’re not what people call and place on you.

You’re not the circumstances you experience.

None of this is who you really are. 

I know this because I also had to learn.

The turning point

Since I was 7, I’d become aware of what people would say about me, my behavior, and my personality. I identified what I wanted to do and be in life. I envisioned what my life might look like. I thought I had it all figured out.

My vision shattered in 2019 when I became pregnant with my first child after my first year of college. What was I supposed to do now? How do I continue in college with my baby? What about work? Marriage? What will my family think? How am I going to do all of this?? How am I supposed to raise a kid when I’m just a kid myself???

So many thoughts ran through my mind, but I didn’t stop to think about what God had thought about all this. 

Suddenly, so much was shifting. I was pregnant and moved back home with my parents. After the baby was born, my man left for the military. We got married and then moved overseas to JAPAN all in the same year! 

Everything changed so quickly that I didn’t know who I was anymore. I tried to hold onto what I knew, what I thought made me Nicole, but I couldn’t. 

During that season, God separated me. He separated me from my parents, businesses, podcasts, school, friends, environments, and everything else I identified with. Who was I now that I no longer had these things? I felt so bare, so naked, so vulnerable. I became angry, overwhelmed, resentful. I was angry at God because… how could he do this to me?

It came to the point when I had to be honest with the Lord. I was angry with Him for stripping all these things away from me. Like, I was about to be the president of two organizations at my university, and I was finally becoming more outspoken. I was becoming Nicole! Right…?

I told the Lord I didn’t want to be angry anymore, and that’s when things shifted for me. I didn’t realize that God had already started the process of transforming me. I didn’t know He didn’t take offense to my offenses and decisions. He just wanted to draw me near and show me some things.

The lessons

He took me through a season of breaking, undoing, and unbecoming so that I could become. He had to tear down all that I built up in my mind, my heart, and my will that only separated me from Him. It was painful. I can’t describe the level of vulnerability I experienced. He caused me to truly humble myself in ways I didn’t think possible for me. I didn’t realize how self-righteous, angry, judgmental, prideful, and controlling I was. It was as if He shone His pure light on me and exposed all the wickedness hiding in me. 

I went through 3 years of straight prayer and fasting like I had never been before. He threw me in the deep end and led me to teachers who gave me insight (combined with what He taught me in our quiet time). 

The transformation I was experiencing was long and challenging. There were late nights, endless tears, and warfare in the midnight hours. I have never found myself so close to Him, though. I found myself spending hours in His presence. I didn’t want to leave, I craved His word to quench this thirst. I found that I couldn’t be without Him. Otherwise, I’d become extremely unsettled, as if I would lose my mind if I weren’t with Him. All the warfare and breaking of the (spiritual) ground required me to stay with Him. 

Although I still desired to pursue what I wanted for a while, I began desiring what He wanted more. I became more aligned with His will and His heart for me, those around me, and the Body of Christ. 

Although I was experiencing warfare, there was a peace and joy about me as I became more in tune with His voice and presence. It was amazing.

The reveal

As I continued my journey, He revealed Himself to me in ways unimaginable. I’ve had experiences and encounters that many wouldn’t believe unless they experienced the Lord themselves. From angels being present, hearing His voice audibly, seeing His word come to pass, seeing my prayers answered on the same day, having dreams and seeing His deliverance, seeing Him transform me and making me stronger & bolder… I could go on and on. 

He revealed to me who He is and taught me the reason why His name is “I Am.” What’s so interesting is that, as He revealed Himself to Me, He also revealed who I am in Him. The identity crisis I was having previously, by wrapping it in what I did, completely went away. I left Japan knowing exactly who I am and what I’m put here on this earth to do. 

I found this scripture that Jesus speaks to be very true. “He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for My sake will find it” Matthew 10:39.

The takeaways

Here are the lessons that I’ve learned summed up:

1. You are not your circumstances, successes, failures, etc. You are who God says you are.

2. Don’t fear letting go of what you want and your mindset. Be okay with giving it up so God can show you better.

3. When you put your goals, desires, perceived identity, etc., aside and really seek Jesus, you will discover who you are and who He is.

4. God will always complete what He started, even in the moment when things look opposite of what He’s saying.

5. The journey of becoming doesn’t end until the day of Jesus’ arrival.

The prayer

Pray this in your own time. Take your pen, journal, and physical Bible with you and allow the Lord to begin (and continue) the good work in you.

Lord, I surrender myself to you. I give up on trying to figure this out by myself. I need your help and I need you to begin doing this good work in me. Show me who you are. Show me who I am. Give me the deep desire to be with you and your word. Prepare my heart for what's to come because I know it won’t be easy, but it is so worth it. May I leave this place and season of my life clear on my identity and confident in yours. I trust you to complete what you start in me. I trust you to lead me. I surrender all the fears and doubts in my heart and welcome you in. In Jesus' name. Amen. 

I hope this encourages you as you might be experiencing an Identity crisis. Please know that God loves you and hates to see you go through so much pain and confusion. Please don’t hide from Him. You’ll find peace and a sound mind when you truly surrender yourself to Him. He loves you; I love you. God bless.

XO,

His Daughter